| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|10:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | [allthatglitters smokey eye video] youtube.com | ] |
you wake up in your bra & your make up
car in the drive way, parked sideways
such a hot mess.
i feel like everything is really out of control right now.
like i'm grasping for something and everything is out of reach..
it's making my head spin.
i know where i'm headed.
but I don't know where exactly i'm going to and how i'm getting there..
it's amazing how much can change in a week.
in a day.
i just hate not being in control of anything.. not that I need to CONSTANTLY be in control..
but i just feel like i'm slipping.
like everything is just sliding through my fingers.
i don't know what to do.. |
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| things that make me happy. [now. pt. 1] |
[Jul. 28th, 2009|06:48 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | [rockstar ;; N.E.R.D] blue crush soundtrack | ] |
everything in my life is miserable.
miserable hot apartment with no airconditioning
miserable hot car with no a/c
miserable job i can't stand
miserable italian boyfriend
but I think.. I might be happy.
i'm yet to understand what that really means..
i know it still hurts my heart to see another girl horse-back riding in charlene's arena
i know I cannot change the past and my past actions may catch up to me one day..
but i'm gradually accepting that..
time. heals. all wounds.
simple as that.
life. goes. on
you never forget. you will carry those wounds throughout life.
a chip on your shoulder.
get. over. it
yes, my best friend did take her own life and with that, taking herself out of this world. & out of my life.
i cannot change that. i don't understand it. i don't understand it even now. it will never get easier. it will still make me cry
but i cannot change that.
the best I can do? rise each day. carry that with me. her. and move forward.she flies on her own wings I can't even begin to fathom what was going through her mind that drove her to do that.. but I know her. even just a little bit.
i have to keep living. for her. even if not for myself, for her.
so much loss of life to be made up for.
yes, i did drop out of highschool. even if just for a short time. i failed academically, even if just for a short time.
i cannot change my actions. this does not make me any less intelligent or capable.
i'm going to the college i fought for. hard. i may be naive but i'm giving my dreams a chance..
and for once? i'm not terrified to fail. if I fail, at least I'll have tried.. it is better to fail trying, than to have never tried at all.
and if I work harder than I ever have in my life.. something is surely to be accomplished.
something can not come from nothing. that simple.
i'm not a failure. i have a job. i pay my bills. i live on my own.i survived. i have survived the worst life has attempted to throw in my path, thus fari have graduated high school. and fought hard to attend and successfully be admitted to the college of my choosing"it is a small sort of accomplishment i suppose.."
death. my best friend. three dogs. a teacher. soon, my grandmother..
a hellish relationship that destroyed me on a mental, physical, and emotional level
i have been to the lowest low I am capable of reaching..
having nothing. no one.
nothing to lose.
so if I fail, i've lost nothing.. only the will to try.
i will fight harder. study harder. than anything in my life before.
i will graduate in two years [if it is possible to accelerate my schooling]
i will graduate in the top five of my class ranking
i will graduate, pay my loans, and get myself a street bike. with my $$
i will succeed. for myself. for my mother. for my best friend.
no one else.
----------------------------------------------
my little apartment bedroom
an attached bathroom
matt's mothers cooking
my vampy red toe nails
tiffany's & co. robin's egg blue
my amazing boyfriend who treats makes me feel more like a princess than ever
my mother's compassion for all living things, including our pets
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|09:38 pm] |
so here i sit.
everything unchanged.
the same place i found myself in a little under a year ago..
everything beginning to crumble
i jest.
everything has crumbled.
i've stood motionless as the walls have crumbled down around me.
the walls have been shaken, and fallen apart from within
the debris settles around me.
but nothing has changed.
i haven't moved.
months have past but nothing has changed.
im eighteen and i can't stand on my own two feet.
my mother thinks im a joke.
my father pretends that i don't exist,
i suppose its better that way
so i'm an adult now. this is true
and everything was supposed to change.
and nothing has..
if anything, the situation has worsened.
the world itself has worsened.
my world has worsened.
they say life is a journey,
and im stuck at a standstill
i've handicapped myself
i'm paralyzed because of me.
and nothing feels better than to wallow in self-pity right now frankly...
i'm trying to be pro-active.
really.
even my own mother now says i'm flaky.
the same thing everyone at school called me.
medcalf. lauren. my staff. my teachers.
i was a flake.
and apparently i still am.
nothing. has changed.
i stand corrected... my hair color has changed.
im now brunette. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2008|11:55 pm] |
so this really is it.
its over.
for good..
no fights to the finish, only to make up all over you.
my heart is breaking in my chest.
he wasn't perfect, but i loved him...
more than he loved me.
naive. stupid.
my world, has fallen apart.
every fucking song on the radio.
every fucking song on the juke.
every fucking boy with blue eyes.
i. can't. stop. crying. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2008|11:58 pm] |
Despite what i've been told lately of what you've supposedly done, I still believe in you.
I've fought like hell to keep doing so. To believe in who you are. In the good in you. & I've defended it tirelessly.
I believe in the unguarded kindness and compassion that you allow rarely to be seen...
Only when you laugh. When you talk about things that you believe in. There's passion & venerability. & its the most amazing thing.
Because, beneath that hardened exterior of the cold, unattached man you've become from the cruelty the world has shown you...
Your heart still beats. And I can feel the goodness inside of you, & the good things you're capable of doing. & I believe you are a good person.
If I was able to, I'd take all the pain; physical, mental, spiritual pain you've felt. In a heartbeat, I'd lift the world you carry from your shoulders & offer you a moments peace to be truly happy. Without worry. Without anger...
But i can't. I can't lift that weight, I can't sustain your cold heart & keep it beating. I can't axe down the walls around your heart you've built of pain & mistrust & anger.
Stronger than steel. Harder than diamonds. Colder than Ice.
I can't do anything but just love you. Give you my heart & put myself in your hands.
Innocence & youth gives way to regretting your first love, I never have. But I've grown to realize the attachment is just one sided.
Even so, that night at the park, will never alter how I see you.
You were intelligent. Articulate. Compassionate. Venerable. & marvelously kind.
The man that wanted to be a fire fighter. The man that wanted to get ouf of this town & make something of himself. The man shouldering a load, in protecting his sisters & brother, far heavier than anyone should ever burden alone.
That's the man I fell in love with...
& have never stopped loving, even if he no longer exists.
Regardless, my point being, you're extraordinary. & nothing less Nick Mascoli.
Never forget that. & let no one tell you otherwise.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2008|01:54 am] |
my room is empty.
my walls are bare.
my life is an empty, bare, white piece of paper.
waiting to be written on.
the next chapter. what happens next.
growing up.
the baby birds gotta fly away sometime... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2008|02:46 am] |
bitter. bitter. bitter.
old. ugly. ugly. ugly. hag
bitter. old. ugly. hag.
yeah, thats me.
im bitter about not having prom.
im bitter about the shitty R-Jeners & their shitty awful art.
so fuckin BLOW me. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2008|02:47 am] |
i have no idea where im going.
i have no idea, frankly, where i've even been.
but i know, the moment i look into his beautiful eyes..
my heart sings and time around me comes to a stand still.
i will never stop loving him. until the day i die.
boyfriend who?
im such a god-awful person
silly. silly. silly. stupid girl.
silly stupid girl with silly stupid hopes of a silly stupid girl who loves a stupid boy.
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|03:09 am] |
i want to tell myself i've found something better...
but it still hurts to see him.
and i hate myself every second for feeling this way.
but they completely deserve each other..
you just never forget your first love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2008|03:24 am] |
i still wish...
i could wake up 8 months ago.
when everything was still ok.
is any of this even real? |
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