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so. its just been one of those days..
im stuck in between a rock and a terrible hard spot.
& i just can't choose without losing either way.
i can measure the lesser of two evils
but they're still evil.
my mom cant see.
charlene wants to help.
my mom hates her.
i cant be around horses.
not without her.
i want to compete.
i want to win.
i want a nice horse.
i want to go to college on a riding scholarship.
i want to go to the Olympics.
but none of that will ever happen.
i cant make it happen.
because i dont have money.
mom doesnt want to make it happen.
but she has the money.
Char can make it happen.
but she'll get arrested by my psychopath mother.
im just not content with trail riding anymore.
im just not content with having a "feed & look" horse.
im just not content with being forced to wait till im older to have a nice horse.
im just not.
& i never will be.
i'd give up everything.
anything.
for another chance to compete.
my camera.
my school.
my friends.
my grades.
i have nothing left to give.
i need a job.
i need money.
i need to be 18.
i just want out of this place.
two years is two years too long.
im fighting time
and im losing.
because it stops for no one.
im wishing for something i'd die to have.
& she just doesn't see it.
i'll give anything to be back around the horses.
it's a bug, you get it and it never goes away.
its something you just can't forget
i love it.
so much it hurts.
& im fighting to not give it up.
because my mom doesnt want me to compete.
neither does my dad.
nor my grandma.
i want to get out of this city.
& this is my only shot.
or else i'll be stuck at UNLV for the rest of my years.
& im not ok with that.
im better than that.
& i refuse to give up.
i rather die trying.
i refuse to have regrets
because that's what this will be.
a regret of how i wished i would have done something i love
rather than something i just happen to be good at.
i dont love taking pictures.
its just something i do.
a job.
i enjoy it but i dont love it
not like the way i do to ride.
i dont know.
i just dont.
i wish my mom saw it the way i did.
i know its expensive.
i do.
and im going to try my damnedest to pay for it all myself
i will.
i hate sitting at home.
i hate this.
i hate this.
i hate myspace.
i hate homework.
i hate not having a life.
i dont want to be normal teenager with a life.
that for boring, fat kids.
not something i aspire to be.
